Do What I Have To Do
by Alexis1
Summary: Cordy and Angel think about each other and their situation post "Thin Dead Line".


Do What I Have To Do  
  
Disclaimer: I now state I do not own any of the people mentioned in this fan fic (though I'm welcome to offers David!) This is purely for entertainment.   
  
Rating: If you're old enough to watch the show you can read this.  
  
Author's note: Cordelia and Angel think about things. Post Thin Dead Line.   
  
You know when I saw him my first instinct was to run into his arms and let him make everything OK again. He was here to take care of us, make sure we were safe and fed and about three million other things he used to do for us.   
I got used to having Angel with me. At high school he was just- there- mostly looking out for us, sometimes trying to kill us after the whole "moment of perfect happiness". But he was there.  
Then I came to LA and teamed up with him. And for the first time in my life I knew what is was like to have people I love unconditionally who return the sentiment. My life consisted of Angel and Doyle. If I wasn't trying to cheer Angel up or drinking with Doyle, I was at the office dealing with clients.   
Then Doyle sacrificed himself and it was just Angel and me again.   
That night, when Doyle saved us all, Angel didn't let go of me. He held me when the demons thanked us, when one of them drove us to the office, in the elevator and on his couch while I cried all night. He was there.   
Wesley joined us and I had someone else to love. Angel saved me and I had visions courtesy of Doyle, Wesley researched and we all kicked some demon ass.   
Then things started to go wrong. Vocah blew Wesley and the office up and sent me ga ga for a while.   
Guess who saved me?  
The first person I saw when I opened my eyes was Angel. He was there again, holding my hand and smiling at me.   
Then the BITCH turned up.   
She haunted him, making him go crazy. Even then he tried to save her, nearly killing himself in the process.   
Despite that, Wolfram and Hart still managed to win. Dru arrived and turned Darla, leaving us with two vamps whom had a personal interest in my boss.   
It's their entire fault. Angel isn't Angel anymore. He's not even Angelus. At least then I could stake him. What am I talking about! I wouldn't have it in me to stake him. I'd just have to ring Willow and get her to re curse him.  
But what can I do about it when he doesn't want anything to do with me?   
He fired us all and I was alone again. Sure I have Wesley and Gunn but it's not the same.   
Then he turned around and I had to become Cordelia Chase, Sunnydale's meanest daughter.   
"What are you doing here?"  
"I heard about Wesley."  
"Well that's great. Too bad it takes a gunshot wound to make you give a crap. Wesley doesn't need you right now. We don't need you. You walked away. Just do us a favour and stay away."  
God, his eyes. He looked so lost. So confused. So hurt. But it was too late. I'd already done the damage.  
So I walked away. And when I looked back, he wasn't there.  
  
  
What have I done? Cordelia used to look to me for protection and now…she doesn't want to know me. And it hurts. It hurts worse than when I saw Buffy last. It hurts worse than when Darla was turned.   
It hurts because I've brought it on myself. I left them.  
She doesn't see that I'm doing it for them. That I don't want to burden them with what I have to do. They don't know what it's like to carry unbearable guilt and I don't want them too.   
Gunn plays the tough guy but he doesn't understand exactly how bad I was, what I did. The vampires he deals with are nothing compared to the evil I hold inside, the evil that lurks just beneath the surface.  
Wesley understands that but he thinks he can handle it. He can't. When Rebecca Lowell drugged me, my alter ego almost destroyed him. And that was only for a couple of hours.  
Cordelia, she can deal. She's seen me at my worst and she stuck around.  
And I know what I'm doing is hurting her the worst. I could sense how fast her heart was beating when she was talking to me. Not from fear. From hurt and anger. From pain so deep she couldn't stand it. Pain that made her lash out.   
I let her. Made her think I didn't care. Guess some of Angelus's acting skills rubbed off on me.  
I can't let them get hurt. They matter too much.  
So I do what I have to do and walk away. I just have to hope that I'll be able to find my way back. 


End file.
